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Power Tools : Grief And Loss

Divorced Parenting And Grief:

by Ron Huxley, LMFT

"Great is the art of begining, but greater is the art of ending."
-- Longfellow

Divorce is the process whereby a single family unit separates into two or more parts. It is traumatic even in the most civil of situations. In highly conflictual situations, it is extremely traumatic, especially to young children. Studies have shown that children react to the amount of conflict or fighting that goes on between divorcing parents. The more cooperative the parents are with one another the more emotionally healthy will be the child.

Unfortunately, children are often the battle ground for mom and dad's war of unresolved issues towards one another. This creates deep feelings of grief for children. Consequently, children will fantasize about their parents getting back together, even after their parents have remarried and they have grown up. Additionally, their grief is greater when one of the parents cuts off their level of involvement with the children (i.e., does not call, visit, or acknowledge their birthday). This hurt goes even deeper when the abandoning parent starts a new family with new children.

Children often feel that they are to blame for the breakup of their parents. They believe that if they had "obeyed" their parents more, acted "nicer to their siblings, or recieved "better" grades that they could have prevented their parents from getting a divorce. It is important that parents remind and reassure their children that they are not to blame. It is equally important that parents do not slander the other parent as soley responsible either. Even if the parent believes that the other parent is soley responsible, children do not need to hear a parents hurt or anger towards the other parent. The bottom line is that children need to love each of their parents and each parent needs to reassure the child that they still love them regardless of the divorce.

If children continue to show emotional or behavioral problems, then it is important that parents find adequate resources for them. A child therapist, children's divorce support group, family therapy, or some other supportive environment may be needed.

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